How to Protect Children from Online Grooming

Articles bullying child internet safety cyberbullying

We all know someone - an acquaintance, friend, or neighbor - whose personal life has experienced a "little tragedy" involving deception, exploitation, or manipulation in an interpersonal relationship. We've all heard the stories:

A young woman dated a married man for several years without realizing it.
The man was the victim of a fraudster who only wanted his money.
An employee was exploited by her boss who used pressure and threats, and promotion promises.
A woman believed in the sincerity of her partner's feelings while the man used her as a sex object / cash cow / transit base.

The number of such stories is endless. And, once again, we are talking about adults. People who already know life and have had a taste of it. But even they regularly fall into the trap, because they believe in sincerity, decency and honesty. And, of course, in love.

So, what about children? What about them who may be overly gullible? Children who lack our sophistication and cynicism?
Well, that is why those are children who so often become victims of online grooming.

Grooming is a term that comes to us from biology. Monkeys, for example, use grooming as a way of establishing social bonds, expressing sympathy and affection: they comb each other's fur with warmth and tenderness. Online grooming is the "caressing" of another person in an online space to gain trust and then seduce them into sexual relationships, use them for pornography, and so on. Of course, more often than not, the potential victims of such cybercriminals are the "weakest link" - our children.

As a sexologist, I would like to make a small excursion into the field of psychosexual development. From 7 to 15 years of age, a child goes through a developmental stage that is aimed at forming psychosexual orientations. If this stage is "correct" and healthy, by the end of it a young man or girl will understand exactly whom they like, what kind of sexual relations they want, and how exactly they will realize them. This stage cannot be underestimated, because often the roots of marital, parent-child and social problems go back to this difficult period of our psychosexual and social development.

Usually, 7-10 years is a period associated with platonic dreams and fantasies. Boys and girls communicate innocently, timid mutual courtship and sympathy begin. This period usually takes place against a calm hormonal background. You can come to an agreement with the child, and parents can limit their time online without any problems.

From 11 to 15 years old, a child goes through the stage of formation of erotic libido. And in general, this is no longer a child, but a teenager with all the ensuing consequences: grouping with peers, confrontation with parents, unwillingness to study. Crazy crushes appear, accompanied by erotic fantasies. It is during this period that the teenager “tries out and adopts” petting and erotic games. Towards the end of the stage such normal ways of realizing erotic libido appear as kissing, hugging and touching.

It is at this stage that teenagers are most vulnerable: raging hormones and a seriously overactive imagination draw them to explore horizons. And if they spend a lot of time on social networks, they may well fall for the bait of an adult who is looking for a gullible victim online to satisfy his unhealthy needs.

Correspondence between an adult and underaged children is considered one of the types of cyber aggression. That is why it is the parents' job to warn the child about the typical algorithm used by these people.

They often create a fake account with an attractive photo to engage the child in communication. That is why it is important to check whether this is a real person or a fake, and whether there is a bearded man in boxer shorts sitting behind the princess’s avatar.
If cybercriminals write from their own account, they often act as “sex gurus,” telling the child intimate details of adult relationships for the purpose of “enlightenment.”
Such "friends" often escalate the child's conflicts with the parents by supporting the alleged "boundary formation" and trying to isolate the teenager as much as possible from his or her social environment through manipulation.
They then make requests to send first personal photos and then intimate ones.
Recalling the laws of conditional reflex formation discovered by Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, criminals then provide positive reinforcement: in case of the child's "correct behavior" they can top-up his or her mobile account, order food or pay for the online game character outfit. Thus, they make children start feeling that they "owe something for those".
Pushing the child to supposedly independent actions, freedom and choice, they offer a meeting in real life, for example, promising a gift or something important.
If the child refuses, then blackmail and threats may come into play: after all, during this time the “new friend” has gotten on the inside and received some intimate photos as well.

So, what can parents do? How to guide the child between the Scylla of fear of safe relationships with peers and the Charybdis of involvement in early sexual contacts?

In fact, by this age, trust should already have developed between child and parent. And so, if the relationship has been good enough during the previous period of life, the parent can safely instruct the child on the dangers that, like sharks, may be waiting for him or her in the voyage across Internet.

The Key Steps

Secure the profile: it should not contain information that makes it easy to find the child. School, house and street addresses as well as phone numbers - all real friends don’t need to know that, because they already do, but such information can become the bait for a cybercriminal.
Do not chase subscribers: sometimes, wishing to become more popular and get more likes, the child adds all the following strangers to the list of friends. But let them remain just followers rather than friends with whom we automatically share personal information.
Use filters and restrictions: Not everything a child posts on their account is meant for public viewing.
Explain that personal photos and information that allows blackmail and manipulation must never be emailed or posted. "What goes online stays online".
Talk about cyber hygiene in general: all personal and intimate information stored in gadgets can become public if they have been lost, misplaced or stolen. So, think about what to keep.
Talk to your children about their online activities, ask what they are most attracted to, who they communicate with, what they like about this communication - but without pressure.
Pay attention to your child's strange behavior: if they have suddenly locked all gadgets; if they quickly turn off the monitor when parents enter; if they suddenly have started being different - depressed, aggressive or anxious; if they have completely stopped studying and now spend all their time checking the phone/tablet; if they from time to time disappear from view and cannot explain these time gaps – it is time to start finding out what is going on.

Most importantly, your child needs to know that no matter what happens, you will be there to support them. This confidence allows you to get out of even the most difficult and painful situations, carefully avoiding the holes and bumps on the winding path of growing up.