How to Talk to Your Parents About Your Worries: Tips for Building an Open Relationship
Building a healthy and honest relationship with your parents is a special, complex issue for many people, which has its own subtleties. Of course, some people manage to build a relationship without any strain. Some of us are lucky to have healthy communication with their parents right from the start. On the other hand, others spend years trying to resolve their problems, and only years later that person gets a chance to talk to his or her parents honestly, without insults, fear, repercussions, etc.
Discussing the desire and ability to talk honestly with parents, to share one's pain, can take some time. The strategy is worked out with each person, session by session. The first question to be answered is: why does the person need this relationship? Once this question has been answered, the therapist and client begin to discuss other, more practical issues: how to build this relationship, where to start, what to do about the blocks that have prevented communication up to this point.
Often the need to continue relationships with parents can be linked to traumatic childhood experiences, such as resentment or grief. Then a person is unable to deal with this by oneself and begins to seek support from those closest to him or her. However, the need itself does not mean that the conversation is going to be easy and straightforward. Today we will look at some general principles that can be followed by anyone who decides to embark on the journey of building or re-establishing a relationship with their parents.
Do Not Be Afraid of Your Own Shame
Do not ignore the following fact: when we raise the problem of family relationships, we face the lack of socially accepted ways a person can express one’s weakness, pain, or other deep feelings. For example, starting from early childhood many people are told that they must not cry or complain, etc. These attitudes are fixed at an early age and affect the whole of a person's later life. That is why a person feels ashamed of his or her desire to talk frankly with one’s parents. Because it is simply socially unacceptable.
Shame is not bad, it is completely normal. You are ashamed, and thus you become able to evaluate yourself in time, in space, from the outside. If you feel that you have not lived up to someone else's expectations, you should realize that you cannot be guided by them alone. Other people's evaluations, as well as your own, are important, but you need to work with them, not just accept them. You should also remember that your parents may also be ashamed to talk, to confess, or to bring up a particular subject. And these circumstances may become the basis for the development of your relationship: situations in which both parties will be able to accept the shame, work with it and thus become closer.
Remember About Boundaries
When talking to someone else, even your parent, you have the right to set boundaries. If you feel that contact has not occurred or that your loved one has withdrawn from it, and you no longer feel safe in the dialogue - you can stop it. You may be judged by your counterpart, either consciously or not, but it does not matter. What is important is that setting boundaries not only helps you avoid unhealthy interactions, but also to develop healthy relationships.
You And Your Parents Are Different People
At an early age, children are dependent on their parents. It's a basic characteristic. Over time, if the upbringing has been aimed at developing autonomy, the dependent pattern should be removed. Children gradually separate from their parents while becoming adults.
Unfortunately, many people continue living within the dependent pattern often even without realizing how dependent they are on their parents. To be able to honestly speak with your parents, or any other person at all, you should present yourself as an independent person, different from everyone else. In the end, even if it is about your failure - it is only your failure. When you ask for help, you're not doing anything wrong, but it is your choice to accept that help, and only you can determine the limits of your responsibility, based on experience and social attitudes.
Talk When Ready
This means that if you feel powerless, tired, lacking resources to talk - put it off. You can have the conversation later. That's OK. Your dialogue may unfold in any way, you can't predict it in advance. It may turn out emotionally difficult. Starting a conversation when you do not have enough resources for it will, at the very least, achieve nothing. At most, it will make things worse by increasing the distance between you and your parents. Such an approach to the matter is not only adult. It's healthy.
One Conversation Won't Solve All Your Problems
When you begin to build a healthy relationship with your parents, assuming that you will be able to share any experiences with them, accept the fact that it will most likely not be possible to improve them in one conversation. After all, if you think about it, not only were you unable to talk honestly with your parents for some time, but they were not ready for it either. For them, such a conversation may be no less difficult than for you. Yes, it is work, but if you agree to it, you can achieve real results.